Throughout this year, as I wrote more often some months and later withdrew myself from technology, I’ve been experiencing being pregnant. So many lessons have I learned along the way.
Being a yogini (woman who lives in yoga), I have been working on developing awareness and consciousness for a few years now. And my passion for cooking also helps me understand how things can change shape, flavor and texture. So understanding this transformation I’ve been going through during these nine months has been somewhat understandable and felt in a very conscious way. Every little step of the way involved something new.
I have to admit that it still impresses me how women who are already mothers look so “normal” as their life goes on. I mean, experiencing pregnancy is awesome! How come these women don’t look way more proud, happy and empowered after experiencing this? And I still don’t know how it is to birth – hopefully my next post will be about that.
I have connected with the source of life, because it’s happening within me right now. This source would have never been possible if it wasn’t because of love and of my husband, whose life source planted this life in me. And, just like the great gardener he is, he has been caring for me and my little bundle with the most love and attention. I have been blessed to have this support and to experience the growth of my family in such an organic and natural way.
My yoga has become part of my life in a completely different way. I now can’t understand how I taught so many prenatal yoga classes without knowing how it felt like being pregnant! Unfortunately at this stage of my life I’m quite isolated, my shalas (more commonly known as “studios”) are thousand miles away and I have no sangha (community) where I live now. I was misguided by the internet that this place we chose to move was very active in yoga – unfortunately it’s not. But I really needed a break and a detox from a lot of negative experiences before getting back to teaching and practicing habitually in a place different from home. So, I have not been able to practice yoga like I used to. And even if I could, this pregnancy really slowed me down, so I don’t think I could have anyway. I trust things happen for a reason and that I’m exactly where I have to be. It has taught me that yoga goes way beyond the mat. My asanas/ postures have become part of me when I sit or when I stretch throughout pregnancy, to soothe the different pains I have experienced in different parts of me as my body opened and prepared the space for my Baby. I now meditate in a different manner, and apply pranayama/ breath work to help me go to sleep or to relax.
It’s as if my rigidity towards my practice slowly became flexible. I allowed myself to just be and let go any preconceived thoughts I once had. I read and digest my yoga texts, letting the words simmer in my inner self. I listen to mantras. I connect with my chakras. For the first time I have finally allowed my inner artist to flourish and create.
Quitting my jobs was the best choice for me & Baby. I took this job of gestating a human being very seriously, and it truly is a full time job. I also learned that not only was I gestating a human being within me, but also I was going through a transformation of my own self. Once life is understood in this perspective I see it through now, so many aspects of life become mundane or secondary.
Life IS what matters. Being well, feeling well, living well. And this involves more HOW we live life than the money we make to maintain certain lifestyle. When a baby comes to this world all that is needed is love and nurture. Since conception and even more after birth. Simple things like a healthy mind, a nourished body (eating whole foods, cooking at home instead of eating out, staying active), staying warm during winter and a clean living space are what is truly necessary. Everything else is comfort.
I have been able to understand how to prioritize what matters from what doesn’t, and everyday I support myself more and overcome insecurities. I connect with the land in our tiny garden and see life grow as the weather improves. I understand there are some natural supplements that aid pregnancy wellbeing, and I have proved with experience how powerful essential oils and natural oils and butters are.
I feel the goddess power in me, I believe and trust myself now. And this is a healing that happened thanks to pregnancy, because I’m experiencing it. I have been allowing every change to just be instead of resisting or fighting it. Soreness here and there have evolved from one place to the other as weeks went by. And as each soreness or discomfort appeared, an emotional issue was coming out in order to be taken care of. And slowly as things shifted, such an emotion or feeling was digested.
My flexibility has allowed me to let go of aiming being close to perfect and keeping my goals so strictly. I have instead smoothed into life in the present moment as a time space. Becoming more an observer of what’s happening and acting less. I don’t regret stepping out from being active in the social media or the work force. I’m doing what feels best: taking care of my Baby and myself. Experiencing, growing and healing. Living in the now more than ever and releasing so much anxiety (which translates to worry about the future). Everything else can wait, and will probably be taken care of at its appropriate time.
My time being pregnant has been a blessing and I’m so grateful for being so blessed to experience it as I have. It’s pretty soon going to be over and everything will change into a whole new life: motherhood. It’s no coincidence that this fiery mamma’s birth timing happens as Kilauea volcano erupts in Hawai’i: it reflects how my inner fire will be birthing new life any time soon. And, as I will probably share in this blog eventually, my spiritual connection with the islands of Hawai’i is huge.
I’m glad to have had the time to write about this and share it out there.
I’m a whole woman awakening.